


Like two halves of one heart

by Pink_Peony



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Gabe is nice, I'm Sorry, Lukas has a panic attack, Lukas in love, M/M, Panic Attacks, Philip comforts him, Protective Philip, Strong Philip is strong, Teen Angst, What else is new, because this fandom needs that too, i still don't know how to tag, of course, oh and mentions of pizza, things escalate, what is a fic without pizza
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-06
Updated: 2017-09-06
Packaged: 2018-12-24 19:54:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12019842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pink_Peony/pseuds/Pink_Peony
Summary: Lukas is riding his bike down the road towards Philip's house. He has no plans to go see him, but his subconscious might have. On the way there, he suffers a panic attack and Philip has to come rescue him.





	Like two halves of one heart

**Author's Note:**

  * For [frnky](https://archiveofourown.org/users/frnky/gifts).



> I've always had thoughts about Philip being the strong one, the one who could handle almost anything thrown at him. He's just as vulnerable as Lukas, but he's much better at coping than him.
> 
> This little story could fit between EP3 and EP6, I think. It can also be seen as a kind of sequel to "Savage love", episodes 2 and 3 of the show preceding it.
> 
> This work is a gift to one of my tumblr friends whose endless generosity always warms my heart <3
> 
> WARNING: If you're easily triggered, read at own risk. This work contains descriptions of a panic attack.

Lukas’ heart is racing. It beats so fast he feels like he’s choking on it. His hands come to his neck, grasping at it, cold and trembling. The collar of his shirt is too tight, _too tight_. He wants to rip the shirt and jacket off but he can’t; he’s losing control of his body, breaking into a cold sweat. He’s half way to the sheriff’s house and he’s stuck. He had to stop the bike in the middle of the road, suddenly dizzy and breathless. It came out of nowhere and now he’s unable to go on. He almost falls off the bike and to the ground, tipping it over to the side of the road. Lukas’ thoughts are muddled, but he knows he can’t have the bike lying in the middle of it.

He struggles removing his helmet but manages after a while, lying down on the ground. Thank God it’s dry, it hasn’t been raining for days. Stray twigs and prickly grass rub his back, itching. Lukas is grateful he can feel them; he’s still conscious, but he probably won’t be for long. He manages to somehow catch his breath but he feels weak and he’s sweating, his whole body trembling. Reaching down into his right pocket Lukas grabs his phone, trying to hold on to it with shaky hands, and dials Philip’s number hurriedly before his body goes slack and his mind numb. 

Philip answers on the second ring.

“Lukas?” His voice is deep, calm and questioning. Philip didn’t expect to hear from Lukas in a while. They just got detention for ditching school and Lukas doesn’t want to take any chances and be seen with him, people making assumptions about them ditching together. People are right of course, but this is their secret and theirs alone. Lukas can’t risk anyone knowing about his true relation to Philip. It would kill his reputation; make him a target; an outcast just like him. Lukas can’t handle that. He’s not ready to stand up for himself yet and he doesn’t know if he’ll ever be. Having witnessed a triple murder and rescued Philip from a vicious killer has taken its toll on him. Bad dreams are a nightly occurrence now and he prays silently every day for it all to go away. But he knows Philip is right. Nothing will go away until they tell someone what they saw; until they tell Helen. He just can’t _do_ that.

“Phil - Philip.” His voice sounds strained. “Can you - ... P - please.”

“Where are you?” Philip’s voice, worried, sounds like it’s too far away to get to him in time, before he falls into darkness.

“I – I’m – down the road f - from your house. W – was on my way – to see you.” It’s so difficult to speak and breathe simultaneously, he has to take a break and the line goes silent.

“Lukas! _Lukas_?!” Philip’s voice is high-pitched and breathless. “I’m coming. I’m coming, Lukas. Hold on.”

Lukas lies back and awaits what’s coming. 

He _knows_ what’s coming; knows he’s on a fast track to hell. When his vision blurs and goes white, a buzzing noise starts at the back of his head working its way forwards until it reaches his ears, and he can no longer hear the distant traffic down on the highway or even birds chirping nearby. It’s all white noise buzzing in his head, into his eardrums, seeping down his neck and into his limbs. His whole body goes numb; it buzzes by itself with this fucking white noise, like it vibrates even though he’s lying completely still. His breath hitches and it’s like he’s choking again. It hurts. Lukas’ chest _hurts_. His limbs are shaking, and he wonders how that’s even possible when he’s already numb and unable to move. There’s a black spot forming in the middle of his vision, getting bigger and bigger, and Lukas knows he’s going to pass out in a few seconds. He feels nauseous; wants to throw up, and he’s scared he’s going to, and drown in it. He prays Philip will find him before he blacks out.

**~**

He must have been gone because he doesn’t hear or see Philip arriving; he definitely doesn’t hear the car; and Gabe looking down at him a water bottle in his hands, is not something he anticipated.

Philip is sitting on the ground, Lukas lying against his chest, and Gabe handing the water bottle to Philip so he can help Lukas drink from it. He feels ice cold, old sweat dripping down his forehead and running down his back underneath his clothes, but the firm square of Philip’s chest and his arms holding Lukas steady feels reassuring and grounding. The water tastes cool and fresh and he feels a little better. Gabe looks worried and he can only imagine the look on Philip’s precious face. He clears his throat and tries to speak after taking another sip from the water bottle Philip is holding against his dry lips.

“Th – thank you.” He tries to move; to raise his hand to wipe sweat off his own face but he’s just not able to, he feels so weak. But Philip’s hand tracks his forehead, pulling his hair back, cupping his jaw. Lukas wants to remove it and say something; to tell Gabe _this isn’t what it looks like_ , there’s nothing between Philip and him. But he can’t. The lack of energy nails Lukas reluctantly to Philip’s chest, to the heavenly good earthly embrace of Philip’s strong arms. Lukas just gives up, without even trying to fight it. Gabe’s a nice guy. He won’t say anything, if he even gets half of it.

“Lukas.” Philip’s voice is strained. “What happened?”

“Were you in an accident?” Gabe’s worried.

“Panic attack.” Lukas blushes, but his voice is steady. “I…it happens sometimes. Just – didn’t think it would get me in the middle of nowhere, riding my bike.”

“Is your dad at home?” Gabe again.

“No. No he’s on a trip to the city. He’ll be staying over the weekend. He’s looking to buy a new tractor.” Lukas can’t help but be grateful for his father being away, not wanting him to see his son in this poor state. It would upset him, make him frown; have him wonder how a Waldenbeck can be so fucking _weak_. The few panic attacks Lukas has had over the last weeks, he’s managed to hide them from his dad, and none has been as violent as this one. He wonders what will happen now. He can’t go back home alone, but he knows Gabe won’t leave him here. Gabe’s a good guy; he just gives off that kinda vibe. It’s confirmed when he turns to Lukas again.

“Listen, son. Philip and I are gonna haul that bike of yours onto the truck, but first we’ll help you get in. We’re taking you with us. There’s no way you’re going home alone. Okay?”

“Okay.” Lukas is so relieved he can’t thank Gabe properly right now, he just nods and tries to get up.

**~**

The car ride is weird. Philip sits with him in the back under the pretense of catching him if he topples over, and Gabe doesn’t even bother commenting on that, just nods in approval. They sit close but not too close, Philip’s left hand firmly planted beside Lukas’ right, their little fingers touching at the tips. It’s a grounding touch, barely there; barely any touch at all. No one says a word. Gabe doesn’t even look at them through the rearview mirror, giving them a little privacy; as if he knows.

**~**

They arrive at the house and Gabe and Philip haul the bike off the truck again before helping Lukas out. He’s not dizzy anymore but his legs are wobbly and his knuckles white as he clings to Philip, his face going red from the embarrassment.

“Lukas, I’ll park your bike inside the barn and Philip can help you upstairs. You should lie down. I’ll start on dinner in an hour and prepare the guest room for you.” Gabe gives him a smile and nods at Philip who nods back. He hasn’t said much the whole time since he and Gabe found Lukas on the side of the road.

“Would you…would you mind not telling dad about this?” Lukas’ voice trembles and he hates it. He hates feeling so fucking boneless and weak.

Gabe looks at him for a few seconds, and then nods. “Okay, Lukas. I won’t. But you’ll have to tell him you’re here while he’s away. I don’t like you being alone for so long.”

“Yeah, I will. Thank you.” Lukas is relieved. He’ll come up with a reason for why he’s here with Philip. 

“Come on,” Philip says now, urging Lukas along.

Once inside the stairs seem like a challenge Lukas can’t manage but Philip circles an arm around his waist, keeping him from falling the whole climb up. Lukas likes that a lot. The firm strength in Philip’s arms, his determination. His kind heart. A heart Lukas has trampled upon; dragged through dirt. Crushed multiple times already, since they first met only a couple months ago. A feeling of helplessness washes over him and he wilts a little in Philip’s arms as they reach the landing. He wants to cry so hard his chest is about to burst open, his breathing getting ragged. Philip walks faster and almost pushes him into his room before shutting the door closed.

Philip turns Lukas towards him, his hands clutching at Lukas’ shoulders, their eyes locking.

“You’re here with me. You’re safe. I _got_ you.” 

They stare at each other, Lukas’ eyes starting to water. The silence between them is loaded with unspoken words. Unuttered apologies for all the missteps; unconditional forgiveness for every failure. Lukas doesn’t _want_ to hide his feelings for Philip but he feels like he has no choice. Bo Waldenbeck would never understand how his own son could be a _fag_. The mere thought of that word burns wholes in Lukas’ heart. 

“Lukas.” Philip’s voice is just a whisper. “This can’t go on for much longer. You don’t have to tell anyone I was with you in the cabin. You can just tell Helen what you saw; that you were alone. Get it over with.”

Lukas closes his eyes and sighs. He sits down on the bed covering his face with his hands. His whole body is shaking again.

“You don’t know what you’re asking me to do, Philip,” he sobs. “My dad will know that I’m lying. I’m not supposed to bring anyone with me up there. After mom died…”

Philip sits down beside him, concern in his eyes. His arm is curved around Lukas’ back, securing him in a tight hug. Lukas lets his head fall down on Philip’s shoulder and they just sit there for a while, Philip cradling Lukas in his arms, gently rocking them back and forth.

After some time, Philip scoots them farther up the bed, into the pile of pillows. They lie down, Lukas tucked between Philip’s arms and legs; his face pressed against Philip’s neck, hiding in the nook between his jaw and his shoulder. The safest place in the world.

Philip smells of laundry detergent and shampoo; as if he’s just taken a shower and put on clean clothes. There’s also a distinct personal scent that is Philip’s own, so familiar to Lukas he sucks in a breath of relief and finally calms down. 

Lukas breathes softly into Philip’s neck. 

Philip breathes into Lukas’ hair, hands running through it, comforting. 

Lukas finds his hands are tucked in between their chests and his fingers are clutching at Philip’s shirt, tugging it down so he can touch the unblemished skin underneath. It’s like silk under his fingertips and Lukas marvels at it, his thoughts slowly turning into something else, something less anxious and less desperate. It should give him nightmares and make him panic to be near Philip, he thinks, after what happened to them in the cabin. Seeing Philip should trigger his flight reflex, memories flooding his mind; but it doesn’t. Instead he can feel warmth wash over him in waves, a calmness settling in his gut he hasn’t felt since they were together in the city days ago, and a feeling of being completely and utterly safe and taken care of. It’s like a hook in the gut keeps pulling him back in, towards Philip. Like Philip is his anchor. He can’t be without Philip, ever. That thought alone scares Lukas half to death and sends shivers down his spine. Because they’ll have to part. Not only when the weekend’s over and dad comes back from his trip; but they can’t be together, not like this, not ever out in the open. It’s the gut wrenching truth and it’s making Lukas cry again. He sobs quietly into Philip’s skin, wetting his shirt and the pillow they lie on. Philip tugs him even closer and just holds him in silence. He knows there’s nothing he can say that will ease Lukas’ mind right now. He just has to be there for him.

Lukas eventually relaxes and falls asleep to the reassuring sound and feel of Philip’s breath mixing with his.

Philip falls asleep too, not long after.

**~**

While Philip and Lukas sleep, Gabe makes his way up the stairs and knocks quietly on the door. When there’s no answer he opens it and peeks inside. The boys lie together on Philip’s bed, bodies so close, limbs so thoroughly intertwined he can barely see where one begins and the other ends. He shakes his head but isn’t really surprised. He’s happy they got each other, for both their sakes. Philip has been very lonely since he moved in and Lukas…well, apparently he has some issues of his own. And they definitely went to the city together; he doesn’t doubt that anymore.

Gabe sighs and closes the door with as little noise as possible. He heads down to the kitchen, silently pondering the fact that the offer he made Lukas may be a little redundant. The guest room will probably stay empty; at least for tonight. The thought of breaking them up is just not sitting well with him; it would be all kinds of wrong right now. He won’t let Helen do that either. Gabe let’s out a breath. It won’t be easy talking her out of leaving the boys alone for tonight, but he’ll do his best.

**~**

Lukas wakes up from a horrible nightmare to the smell of pizza about two hours later. There’s a large flat box on Philip’s desk and he assumes that’s where the smell comes from. Gabe must have caved or maybe Helen brought it home after work. He shivers at the thought of her seeing them like this, but there’s nothing he can do about that now. He doesn’t feel hungry at all. Lukas just wants to crawl into Philip’s chest and never leave. He ducks his head down and tries to do just that, waking Philip up as he nudges into him. Philip’s only reaction is to hold him tighter. _God, he loves Philip_.

The thought springs to his mind so quickly and settles in his heart and his gut faster than the blink of an eye. It’s true. _Lukas loves Philip_. There’s no way around that feeling, he can’t hide from it. But he can’t tell Philip either. 

_What if Philip doesn’t love him back?_ It’s like a knife cutting him open, tearing his heart into pieces.

But - _what if he does?_

Lukas clenches his teeth, holding the numbness and dizziness at bay. He really doesn’t need another panic attack right now. He clutches at Philip even harder. The feeling of Philip clutching back at him just as tight is spreading a fire in his gut he literally can’t hold back. No one has ever held him like that, touched him like Philip does. Like he sees him; like he’s no longer invisible. Like the real Lukas is laid bare.

Lukas cranes his head back and blue eyes lock on brown. There’s a fire burning in Philip, fanning the flames in Lukas’ chest. He needs to close the gap between them; needs to bring the two halves of his teared up heart back together. He wants Philip so much, so _much_. But it’s so fucking hard to act on it. To be the guy no one wants him to be, except Philip. 

But Philip is the only one that matters; right now anyway.

Lukas settles for at least not fighting the flames he sees in Philip’s eyes and lets Philip push him back to straddle his thighs. Philip’s gaze is locked on his, like he’s asking all the way if what he’s doing is okay. Lukas can’t stop him because he really doesn’t want to. Doesn’t want him to stop the soft grinding, or Philip’s lips moving against his, wet and sweet. Doesn’t want to stop Philip from sliding his hands under the hem of Lukas’ shirt and up against his ribs, grazing lightly over his nipples. Lukas lets out a gasp. It feels so _good_ to be touched like that, like electricity going through Philip’s fingers and into every spot they trace. Lukas fucking _ignites_ at every touch, the skin to skin contact burning between them.

“Philip.” 

Lukas’ voice crack and break, his hands shaking as he cups Philip’s neck, Philip’s jaw, and pulls him down to kiss him eagerly. He’s barely aware of tugging at Philip’s shirt, pulling it over his head and Philip pulling off Lukas’. Lukas closes his eyes. He’s hard and his length rubs against Philip’s through layers of unnecessary clothes but he doesn’t really know what to do about it. He cradles Philip between his legs, widening the spread, and Philip knows Lukas is lost to the pure feeling of want.

Philip doesn’t waste any time. He won’t push Lukas too far, but he can’t hold himself back either. He cups the bulge in Lukas’ jeans tugging a moan out of his swollen lips and Lukas never wants him to stop. But Philip can do better than that, so he unzips Lukas’ jeans and tugs them down, and then his own, throwing both pairs on the floor beside the bed.

It’s really not that hard to imagine what comes next but Lukas is dazed; he’s kind of zoned out and yet he’s fully aware of what’s happening and he wants this so much his gut hurts. It’s almost like the time they fooled around on Lukas’ own bed, only the roles were reversed and Philip left in anger before anything really happened. Lukas doesn’t want this to end in anger and hurt, but he’s afraid it will eventually. Maybe not tonight. Maybe not tomorrow. But it will end badly.

Lukas still wants this. Wants Philip. Wants to let go just _once_. _Please God, let me have this._

“Lukas.” Philip whispers in his ear, kissing a trail down his neck. “Stop me if you don’t want to do this. If you wanna stop, I’ll stop.”

But Lukas can’t stop now. He moans softly, wantonly arching into Philip’s length, his hands tugging at Philip’s hair, his mouth sucking at the hinge of Philip’s jaw desperately.

Philip’s heart beats fast against his own, their chests glued together down to their hips, Lukas cradling Philip between his legs. And then Philip starts moving, stealing the breath out of Lukas’ lungs with every thrust. They’re still wearing underwear but to Lukas it doesn’t matter. The rubbing friction between their lengths is making his heart stop every other second and the tension in his body is building and all he wants is for Philip to go _faster_ but also to just _glue Philip’s hips to his own_. Lukas runs his hands down Philip’s back and under the hem of his boxers. His hands clutch at Philip’s ass, pushing Philip tighter against him, his fingers digging into soft flesh. The feeling of Philip’s ass in his hands. _The feeling of Philip's ass in his hands._

_Oh god. So. Fucking. Good._

Philip groans and bites at the junction between his shoulder and his neck, soothing his tongue over Lukas’ skin afterwards. Lukas wants to cry as everything gets a little fuzzy around the edges; the world fades away and it’s only them, Philip and Lukas. Two halves of one bruised heart.

 _“Philip, Philip, Philip.”_ Lukas’ voice is wrecked and Philip thrusts harder and faster. Lukas gasps against Philip’s throat hovering over his face. He throws his head back as he comes, wetting his underwear, making Philip’s breath hitch as he too reaches the edge of lust and melts in to Lukas in one languid move.

**~**

 

Philip lies heavy upon Lukas’ chest, but Lukas can’t find a shred of will within himself to push him off. He feels protected; Philip shielding him from the world.

He knows the feeling won’t last, _this_ won’t last. But he might just try coping, one day at a time.

“What are you thinking about?” Philip rests his chin on Lukas’ chest locking eyes with him. His face is expressionless, as if he knows Lukas will be teetering the edge of another panic attack if he gets pushed too far.

Lukas runs his fingers through Philip’s hair, slowly, his hand coming back to caress his face gently.

“You.” And that is all he needs to say out loud, Philip laying down again, his fingers soothing Lukas' skin. The touch is gentle, soft; just like Philip himself.

Lukas knows he’ll hurt him again; but maybe – maybe they can have this moment to patch their bruised up hearts together before the next storm hits.


End file.
